Mom

Today would be my Mom’s birthday. She passed in November 2002.

If she were here, my wish for her birthday would be that I could give her the sweetness and compassion I didn’t seem to have enough of and which she so needed, in her last years here. Though I don’t believe I could have changed the outcome of her painful journey on this earth, I could have loved her more, been kinder, and listened more.

Knowing myself today, I would be more compassionate, see more of the good, and embrace the dreams and the joys she was finding in her life. And laugh more – much more. Because my Mom’s life was truly unbearable for her, particularly in her last few years, she found it nearly impossible to find any happiness.

Because of my Mom’s pain and illness, the last few years of her life, I kept her at arms’ length. Today, I wouldn’t do this. I wouldn’t fear the illness. Today, I would look at her heart, her soul, her essence.That is where and who she really was.

I see this so clearly now. I wish I could have seen more clearly then. I would have overlooked more and criticized less. Feared less and loved more. Been more patient with an illness I didn’t understand but that really didn’t matter, as much as I thought it did.

And today on her birthday, I wish so very much that she was here, so we could share our journeys.